How to Get Unstuck From Relationship Triggers
If you read my blog, Why We Get Triggered in Relationships, you’re probably wondering what can be done about it. The good news is, I developed a system for stopping negative thought spirals, as well as in-the-moment relationship triggers.
I call it NIRS, but the phonetic pronunciation is “Nurse” – and when I think of what it means to “Nurse” myself, it means to be in gentle care as I shepherd myself through rehabilitation; in this case, it is to NIRS myself through a trigger. NIRS stands for Notice, Interrupt, Redirect, and State Change. I’ll go into each of these in more depth below.
1. Notice
The first step to getting a handle on your relationship triggers is noticing that you are triggered.
This is the biggest, and usually the most challenging, part. But once you’ve noticed, everything else becomes much easier, because simply the act of noticing and acknowledging your trigger engages your “executive” brain and gives you a helping hand out of your reactive survival brain.
Here is a list of some symptoms that can help alert you to the possibility that you might be triggered:
Activation in your body, in the form of symptoms that can include: increased heat, rapid heart beat, tight jaw, rapid breathing/holding your breath, racing thoughts, muscle tension, or a sense of urgency that may be out of place/panicky
“Shutting Down”, symptoms of which can include: becoming still, all of a sudden feeling really tired, brain fog/difficulty thinking, shallow breathing/holding your breath
Combo: Feeling activated but immobile, tense but stuck – wanting to yell, but not knowing what to say, or going back and forth between shut down and activation.
Many of the above symptoms are body-based, meaning they show up in the form of sensations in your body.
This is why it is really important to strengthen your Body-to-Mind sensation pathways.
In some ways, this is counter to what we’ve been taught. The concept of “Push through the Pain” is something that athletes, most men, and most high achievers have been taught. Push through the pain comes with the subtext of ignore what your body is telling you.
Like all things, this has its place. But without balancing it out by also actively engaging practices that train you to listen to the subtle messages from your body, you are left with a super strong “push through it” muscle and an underdeveloped “listening” muscle. This means you won’t even be aware of the subtle signals your body is telling you until things are so intense and overwhelming that it is basically screaming, at which point, it's usually too late (aka: it takes too much brain power) to respond in a grounded and centered way.
So your ability to Notice is strengthened by having a regular practice of conscious and intentional movement. Movement practices, where you are feeling and noticing sensations in your body, can help your body metabolize and release held (old) tension. Yoga, Tai Chi, Non Linear Movement Method®, or simply shaking your body out for 60 seconds are all methods to help bring more awareness to body/mind sensations.
Once you’ve noticed you are experiencing a Trigger, the next step is to Interrupt your negative thought spiral or your body response.
2. Interrupt
If you are experiencing a trigger here are 4 ways to Interrupt the thought spiral once you’ve noticed it is happening.
Say STOP out loud (or spell out S-T-O-P forward, then backward P-O-T-S in your head if you are not by yourself)
Clap your hands 3 times (best if used when you are by yourself)
Splash your face with ice cold water
Repeat the mantra “Be bigger than my trigger” 5-7 times.
Different options can work in different circumstances, but they all play on the underlying principle that quickly activating whole system engagement can interrupt flooding in your survival system.
For example, activating linguistic processing or considering numbers/sequences can divert resources to your executive brain, away from your fear/survival response, and acute (sharp) physical sensations like cold water or loud sounds can interrupt worry thoughts and rumination and repurpose some of your activation energy towards body awareness.
3. Redirect
Once you’ve interrupted your trigger moment, Redirecting your attention away from the trigger for a sustained period of time can create a pause. This provides some spaciousness during which you can harness enough brain resources to bring yourself fully back into equanimity, or a sense of being centered.
Ways to redirect your attention can include:
Watching funny cat videos on youtube, or whatever gives you the “feel goods”
Walking backwards in a figure 8, five to seven times.
Performing “spatial magnet effect” movements like rubbing your head while patting your belly and then switching arms, or swinging your foot in a clockwise motion while trying to draw the number 6.
4. State Change
Redirecting your attention and state change go hand in hand, meaning some things you may use to redirect your attention may also cause a state change, a change in your emotions and the corresponding neurochemicals released in your body.
There have been times when I’ve been stuck in a funk, then watched a really engaging movie and emerged feeling like a whole new person. Or times when I’ve been really down, and then spent some incredible time with friends, and then afterwards, whatever I was upset about seemed small and inconsequential once I gained some perspective.
A greater perspective is one of the results of achieving state change in your body/mind.
We have more intellectual and emotional resources when we are in a more expansive, integrated and heart open version of ourselves, and are more likely to choose and behave from our higher version of ourselves, rather than our limiting, familiar relational patterns. In fact, it is almost impossible to co-create a different experience in our relationships without changing the state of being from which we are speaking and behaving.
Some ways to achieve state change:
Singing your favorite songs, or playing music, if you are a musician
Solo exercise
Group physical activity like playing sports, dancing, yoga
Meditation/breathwork
Cuddling with a pet or loved one
Creative focus (making art, cooking, building)
As habit expert James Clear says, “You don’t rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Meaning, in times of stress, we default to what is most familiar. So, practicing Nirs-ing yourself under low stress/low stakes moments will make you more likely to remember this option in higher stakes trigger moments, like in your relationships.
For a Quick Tips version:
What to do if you are triggered: the Quickie Condensed version.
If you feel activated: Discharge energy – shake your whole body for 60 seconds. Sing. Do some pushups. Stand on one leg. Do one legged squats. Do 5 minutes of 1:2 breathing –breathing in through your nose and make your exhale twice as long as your inhale. For example, breathe in for a count of 3, then breathe out for a count of 6.
If you feel shut down: Start moving, even if it is just wiggling your little pinky finger. Fountain breathe – take a powerful inhale through your nose, then a relaxed exhale. Walk backwards in a figure-8 seven times. Box breathe for 2 minutes: breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, then breathe out for a count of 4, and hold for 4.
If you are experiencing a combo: Shake your whole body for 60 seconds. Exhale with Horse Lips for one minute. Squeeze a stress ball. 1:2 breath or box breath. Rub your hands together to create heat and friction, then rest your palms over your eyes for 30 seconds.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to get unstuck from your relationship triggers, reach out to me for 1:1 sessions, or check out my relational practice group.