How to Bring Consciousness to Your Unconscious Patterns
What You Practice, You Become.
Many people aren’t aware of this, but the brain is actually designed for automation, and most of our behavior is derived from the unconscious.
This is why one of the hallmarks of being human is experiencing patterns in our lives that seem to repeat themselves in new and unexpected ways, when we can’t quite put our finger on why.
We’ve all experienced this to one degree or another – in relationships, the workplace, or in attempting to start a new exercise or health routine – and more often than not, we don’t become aware of what’s happening until it’s too late.
We all have a wealth of unconscious and subconscious beliefs and scripts about who we are that are embedded into our way of being. It's not until we are thrust into different situations that these automatic ways of being become visible to us. We have a choice – we can either find ways to expose these unconscious patterns, becoming aware of them and how they are directing our lives, or we can wait until life serves us up a situation that forces us to become aware of them.
If you choose to do the former, here are 2 ways to get started:
1. Stretch yourself
If you want to become aware of your unconscious patterns, you have to intentionally stretch your relational muscles. Not just the familiar ones that get you what you’ve always gotten, but new ones you didn’t even know you had.
One of my greatest personal growth experiences was a women’s weekend with my teacher Michaela Boehm. I made the investment to fly to California to study with her, and upon arrival I was so anxious I had to sit in my rental car for 30 minutes talking myself into going in. My anxiety didn’t look like typical anxiety, though. This time it showed up in the form of Massive irritation. Everything was wrong. Everything sucked… It felt stupid for me to be there.
I finally got out of my car and upon stepping onto the deck of her practice studio, felt some of my irritation melt away as I was welcomed by the women who had already stepped through the portal of their own flavor of inhibiting stories.
I’d like to say my anxiety dissipated completely for the rest of the weekend, but my fear popped up in the form of judgemental ego on and off throughout the weekend, as we entered deeper and deeper layers of seeing, being seen, and communicating. We practiced relating in small groups of twos and threes, and occasionally as a large group of about 16.
Nevertheless, I leaned in, built lasting friendships, and emerged not only more open hearted, but through the genuine reflections of my peers, with a deep relief that the old stories I had about myself and how I show up in the world were just that: old stories.
There was something transformational about turning up the heat, stepping out of my comfort zone, and having my previous patterns of relating be disrupted and remade, over and over. And while my experiences in one on one therapy and coaching have always been profound, relational practice in a group setting was the neuroplastic key that opened me up to a whole new level of relating.
Sometimes it takes the power of a group to elevate and expand beyond what you might be capable of on your own - especially when it comes to changing relational patterns.
2. Expose the patterns in a safe environment
The problem with the unconscious is that we inherently can’t see it. In order to expose it, we have to actively look for its reflection. One of the most direct ways to do this is by being in a close relationship with another person, but this can go one of two directions — it can either be a beautiful, loving unraveling, or a minefield of conflict, and it’s very hard to tell at the outset.
This is why an even safer place for this to be reflected is in practice with another person, when the stakes are lower, where there will be no fallout if something goes wrong.
A relational practice group can be like a laboratory where we take a scientific approach to finding and building clarity around these specific parts inside ourselves.
For example, if we’re focusing on listening, we curate and facilitate experiences that expose listening skills, and then we work through and reflect upon them. Or, if we want to get better at saying what we really mean, we can practice finding the words with a practice partner who isn't emotionally invested in the outcome.
Experience grows consciousness
Being shown things we didn’t even know to look for helps us look for them. It enables us to be more conscious and intentional around specific things in our lives, so we have a better chance of seeing them. It’s kind of like target practice – you know what you are aiming for. You might never hit the bullseye, but you’ll be around the mark.
Whatever we do the most is who we are – it’s what we become. If we’re not aware of what we are doing, and intentionally doing it, then we can’t influence who we become.
If you’re interested in bringing consciousness to your unconscious patterns, reach out to me here and let’s chat: https://aralee.co/coaching