What Toxicity is Really Telling Us

The term toxicity has seen a large increase in the press in the last few years. Our society loves to talk about toxic masculinity, toxic positivity, toxic relationships, toxic food, and even toxic environments. These are all terms I’ve personally heard being tossed around with abandon, and I’m sure there are even more out there. 

Now, this is a good thing in a way – this shows we are driving towards a more inclusive, empowered society that stands up for ourselves and for each other.

But what I don’t love about this is that it often comes with a lot of shame and blame attached.

Whether we’re talking about toxicity in our bloodstream, in our relationships, or in the world around us, it feels like it pigeon-holes the circumstance or person into being either “good” or “bad”, and it misses the nuance that most things in life deserve. 

Ask yourself, what does it feel like to say something like, “I am in a toxic relationship” or “they are a toxic person?” 

When I say it, I automatically feel my muscles start to tense, and my face starts to crunch up a little. The term creates a low-level vigilance in my nervous system, and I automatically equate toxic = bad. And then I feel a little worse, which actually creates more toxicity.

The biological definition of toxicity

If we’ve worked together before, or if you know me socially, then you know my inner scientist part is one of my favorite lenses to view the world from. 

The biological definition of toxicity is: too much or too different. And I actually really love this definition, because it means that in nature, anything can be a medicine, and anything can be a toxin. There are creatures whose venom kills one thing, but contributes to healing another. 

In the correct proportions, a substance might be really nourishing for one person’s system. But out of proportion that same substance could cause overload, either leaving fewer resources to handle other important functions, or mobilizing a threat response to eliminate the excess substance from the system. For example, in my life I find that a half a cup of coffee is great for me (if I sip it slowly). But three cups of coffee give me anxiety and tummy problems.

On the other hand, when you introduce a substance to a living system that does not have the correct chemical composition to metabolize it, then the system either gets overloaded or views it as a foreign substance that could be harmful and therefore mobilizes a threat response.

For example, I, like many Asians, do not have the enzymes to metabolize alcohol. So unlike many of my friends who can enjoy a couple glasses of wine with dinner, a small amount for me can create so much inflammation that my face turns red, and I get an immediate headache and nausea to accompany it. This is simply my body’s way of trying to protect itself, because the chemical makeup of alcohol is too foreign for my body.

What I love about the biological definition of toxicity, especially when we relate it to relationships, is that it gives us options. 

Too much: Perhaps you can collaborate on adjusting the amount of time spent together. 

Too different: Maybe attend couples coaching or workshops to discover more areas of overlap or learn a more common communication language that helps you both express yourselves more cleanly.

Sometimes it’s not the relationship that’s the problem, but other circumstances in life. And often, our relationship bears the brunt of the strain. Stress in other areas of life can masquerade as relationship problems, because when our body feels stress on the inside, it looks towards whatever is closest to us and assumes that to be the threat. In most cases, what is “closest” is our intimate relationship, or the person we spend most of our time with.

This makes me feel some relief when I think about it, because it becomes less about being inherently bad or good, and creates options to explore under which conditions the relationship may actually thrive. 

Re-proportioning your life and relationship to help it breathe

Some options you may consider to improve your relationship’s ability to thrive under varying external circumstances, other than changing the amount of intentional time/fun time spent together, could be to create a Venn Diagram (or other chart of choice) to discover where you overlap in hobbies, interests and values. Ask yourself, are there other things in your life you could re-proportion, like your work, health, spiritual, or play areas, in order to make more room for each other? 

Consider whether it would be helpful to enlist additional resources to supplement your existing skills. For example, if you have communication styles that are too different and thus causing strain (or toxic communications), you may benefit from coaching or workshops that aim to help you add more to the individual relationship languages you already speak.

Finally, it may be worth assessing your lives as a whole to see where you could be letting the overload (or the toxicity) from one area of your life seep into your relationship. If this is the case, consider how you could manage that energy more efficiently and effectively.. 

This work can be difficult, and may seem a bit broad at the beginning. So if you need help with any of these options, or if you’re lost on where to begin assessing the energy resources of your life and relationship, feel free to reach out to me here: https://aralee.co/coaching 

To more love in your life, and more life in your love, 

~  Ara